2.15.2008

RUNNING DEEP ON DANGEROUS TERRAIN

*NOTE: The contents of this blog, although public are not to be discussed with any person mentioned in any entry. I would appreciate it if its restricted, to your eyes only info. Cos I dont want to have to explain my personal thoughts to the mentioned person*

Thank You.

Happy Valentines Day (belated)

Ok dont start with all the "you shouldnt celebrate this" "its a commercilised day..so dont entertain it" or the one I dislike most "its not religious"

Look, Its a day of celebration....to commamorade love (in a sense) to give an avenue to tell that special person that he or she is the light of your life, To make someone feel good and of cos, to tell those you cherish..that they are a big part of your life. I take it as that. Im a helpless romantic. Cant help it...theres just so much to give. Like I said before in one of my previous entry, its ridiculous to just condemn this day just cos we know that its a day where most muslims are slaughtered. People, Muslims are slaughtered on many occasions in the past. And why do we celebrate New year and stuffs. Who knows..mayb its a dark day for muslims as well. Sheesh. So dont let this kinda things influence ur deepest sincerity. Its the thought that matters. And people, Unless its stated that its wrong, its not. Lets not live on the ideas and expectations of certain individuals. We are given the gift to think. Apart from all this, your actions is between you and GOD. So...why be afraid.HE knows you better. That is all that matters

Ok todays entry is gonna be a long one. Read the title...Im running deep (haha)

I went out with Someone obviously and to show that someone of my sincerity, not expecting anything in return ,in the form of gifts. This is nothing compared to what im gonna do for my partner. So for my future partner out there...dont worry...I have lots of special things instore. Did I mention im helplessly romantic (haha).

Ok during the wee hours of Vday...preVday, I had a nice chat with Liyana, Haseena and Filza (not in order of importance).

To Liyana

Thanx for being such a good friend. Thanx for being the concern one, reminding me of things that I might have overlooked (I tend to forget things at times....brains fried I think) Thanx for making me feel good about myself. And up till now, I think you are the only person whom I know that can see me through all the masks that I wear. Masks that I wear to protect my individuality, my senses. To not be an easy riddle to crack, to be that diamond in the rough. Thanx. And also!! Thanx for the nice cheese cake that you made the last time! Its the bestest cheese cake ive ever tasted! serious..its wicked!

To Haseena

A dear friend that helps me open up the horizons, the limitaion to my thoughts, a breath of fresh air to this world. Though we are having this peculiar friendship (we never meet), I hope that we can continue sharing our (sick) thoughts (hahaha)

To Filza

One that helps me in giving valuable advice, religious wise in times of need. To share her thoughts (professionally) on issues that concens society. And also just being there when I need to converse. Thanx

To those not mentioned.....mayb cos...you know who you are...Thanx. Thanx for being there...Thanx for being part of my life...thanx for letting me touch your lives in one way or another.

I messaged Shaiful, An old friend back from high school. I miss him. Hes like a brother in a sense. Darn..I miss the old days. But..thats whats lifes all about. To keep looking forward and not holding on the the past. It makes your journey easier....It makes it more worthwhile.....and it opens the door to many other possibilities.

And of cause...Not forgetting Neelesh.

Bro....You know I know lah ah...Theres not much words to say and describe how much I treasure our friendship. THanx for being there for me. You are the kinda fren I can laugh and cry with. And hey.....lets make it together yah. Lets set our eyes on that legacy.

Oh..Dianah called early Thursday morning. It was rather unexpected. And as usual..giving suttle hints that shes not having a good time in her relationship and all. And even request for a meet up. Whoa....chill gal....I dont wont like to get involved with someones elses property...and as a friend...lets just stay like that. Let us just be friends..thats as far I can offer right now.

I think my ex is mad at me somehow. Well...I wont want to even think about it. But its just a thorn you noe. I dont like hurting people. But sometimes...you know..they just kinda asks for it.

I woke up late Friday Morning. Shoot it was already 1230. And I have prayers to go to. So I dragged my beated body to the washroom and in 15mins, left the house. Theres someting different about myself today(running deep..hint2). I hate feeling like this...but this is just those kinda obstacles you cant dodge. You have to face it and make a choice. Lifes all about choices aint it. I pray Everyday...that HE will show the what I seek. Its been a while.

During the Doa....I kinda feel my head spinning..you know like if im in a trance or smthing, I can picture a big drum in me..rotating about an irregular axis...dragging my brain in its motion. MashaAllah. I dunno why but someohow after prayers...I decided to walk home. From Jurong East to West. I need to clear my mind off things..I need to find solutions. So I took this walk. Walks are good for many reasons, It helps train your cardio, it helps you think, and you can actaully zikir with peace when you do it. God was kind to me. I was sheltered from the shearing heat all the way...and gentle breezes accompanied me. When my journey ended, The heat sets in again. I pulled out my earphones....music isnt good for a time like this. Music is a distraction...and distractions are associated with the devil. So I walked calmly..controlling my breathing...controlling the amount of fluid I excrete out from my body..controlling my thoughts. OH sis if you are reading this...Walks are good for losing weight! HAHAHA.

Gentle breezes on my face....somehow whispering to my ears....People say that somtimes..when you are in need of HIM.....he will show you solutions in many ways...and sometimes...they can be hidden in the sounds of the waves....the breeze or even the falling rain. You just have to open up...ikhlas....and redha.

You know....if you put a piece of crap in a cake....no one will know its there. Unless you remove all the flavourings...all the preety decorations...the scent. If not...it will just look as pleasant as an ordinary cake. Hurt can be masks in such...but its still there...somehow...if you put nice things to the equation...it might just dissapear. The smell from the crap might be overcome by the other ingredients. It might take a few weeks, months years. But isit worth it. To remain shity for long. To immense yourself in pain...issit worth it? Love comes and goes..like a playful fairy it toys around with individuals. Sometimes it stays a while..leaving behind that curse of hurt....sometimes it stays for life...leaving behind the curse of commitment. above all things...its a free spirit. When you embrace it...you feel as if you are flying. And for that brief moment...you should be blessed to experience it. Dont focus on the pain and the What ifs. Focus on the joy it brought. Focus on the lessons it gave. and use it when you when it visits you again in future. "life is a journey, your learn it when you are through"

Sometimes...I ask god....if its worth it...I am willing to trade the remaining years of my life..apart from that given to nicotine and all the other toxins I take in. To give me the bliss of true love. Even if its for a day even. (ok mayb I might need a week at least).

Well thats me...As of now....im standing on another junction. just waiting for the right reason, the right sign, to make a move and venture on again. I think im coping well with this things. Thanx to him..I think that I am stronger. and also..luckily...I only have to calm myself down with ciggies (which im planning to forgo) instead of other things.

Ive seen many changes in myself...physically, mentally and emotionally. Its a good sign. HE never abandons us....its us who tend to abandon HIM.

This is me yan..reminding you in case you forgot, of the little things in life.

Have a good life ahead people. Cherish your loved ones.

Mayday Parade - Miserable At Best

Katie, don't cry, I knowYou're trying your hardestAnd the hardest part is letting goOf the nights we sharedOcala is calling and you know it's hauntingBut compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as brightAnd when we look to the sky, its not mine, but I want it soLet's not pretend like you're alone tonight(I know he's there)You're probably hanging out and making eyes(while across the room, he stares)I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floorAnd ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yesBecause these words were never easier for me to sayOr her to second guessBut I guessThat I can live without you butWithout you I'll be miserable at bestYou're all that I hoped I'd findIn every single wayAnd everything I could giveIs everything you couldn't takeCause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles awayAnd the hardest part of livingIs just taking breaths to stayBecause I know I'm good for somethingI just haven't found it yetBut I need itSo let's not pretend like you're alone tonight(I know he's there)[ Miserable At Best lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]You're probably hanging out and making eyes(while across the room, he stares)I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floorAnd ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yesBecause these words were never easier for me to sayOr her to second guessBut I guessThat I can live without you butWithout you I'll be miserable at bestLadada ladada ladadaoh ohhhAnd this will be the first time in a weekThat I'll talk to youAnd I can't speakIt's been three whole days since I've had sleepBecause I dream of his lips on your cheekAnd I got the point that I should leave you aloneBut we both know that I'm not that strongAnd I miss the lips that made me flySo let's not pretend like you're alone tonight(I know he's there)You're probably hanging out and making eyes(while across the room, he stares)I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floorAnd ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yesBecause these words were never easier for me to sayOr her to second guessBut I guessThat I can live without you butWithout you I'll be miserableAnd I can live without youBut without you I'll be miserableAnd I can live without youOh, without you I'll be miserable at best

can`t you even see through me? `` Friday, February 15, 2008